


Sobriety Is Overrated

by TeaRexie



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Excessive Drinking, Flashbacks, I Promise I'm Not Projecting, Nightmares, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reader is Sassy, Recovering Alcoholic, Recovery, Relapsing, Sobriety, Trauma, reader is an alcoholic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:54:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25148806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaRexie/pseuds/TeaRexie
Summary: You are a recovering alcoholic. You have been sober for longer than you've been a guest star on Supernatural. You consider yourself recovered enough not to mention it to people. When you relapse, Mark Sheppard (who has been sober for 30 years) starts to notice the signs.
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I named this after a quote from The Umbrella Academy.

It's your second day on set since returning and your stomach refuses to untangle. You had already done half a season with the cast, you couldn't figure out why you were nervous. You spoke with Mark Sheppard a lot, you figured it would be easier to stay sober around someone that had been for so long. You were aware of his recovery long before you met him, he inspired you to try in the first place. You hadn't told him anything though, you didn't want anyone to find out.  
"Y/N?" you hear a knock on the door of your trailer, it's Misha.  
"Are you planning on getting out of bed for breakfast at some point?" he calls out to you.  
"Give me a second," you call out, dressing yourself as quickly as you could.  
"Okay Y/N, I'll just wait outside for you."  
"Damn it," you mutter under your breath, you didn't sleep well last night, and it shows. You open the door slightly and Misha smiles widely at you. He starts to jog and gestures for you to join him. You look at the time on your phone, breakfast started an hour ago. Unless Jensen slept in, there probably isn't much left.  
"Y/N? You haven't eaten yet?" Jensen says as you arrive at the table, obviously trying to hide behind his plate.  
"Of course," you chuckle and notice jam stains around his mouth. You point to the bits of jam on his face and he simply pushes it further up his cheek. Jared touches his own face mockingly, before revealing his other hand, which held a croissant.  
"Here," Jared throws the croissant to you and your face lights up. It's chocolate filled.  
"Glad someone saved me something," you say to Jared and Jensen's face starts to turn red. Misha takes his camera out and takes a photo of Jensen who could now be mistaken for a fresh tomato. You sit with Jared and Jensen who are the only people still at the table. Misha sits down beside you as Jared points out some chocolate on your face. Jensen starts laughing at you, which he probably earnt, but you throw a napkin at him anyway.  
“Let’s go guys,” Robert calls out to everyone. You quickly go to the toilet to rinse your face, you really don’t want chocolate on your face while filming. You were a regular crossroads demon by now, today was your first scene with Hell. Cool. You had never filmed a scene with anyone but a couple of other guest stars, Jensen and Jared before. You breathe in deeply and prepare to film with Mark Sheppard and Ruth Connell.  
After four hours of shooting, you’re exhausted and ready for lunch. You collect your phone back from the dressing room and notice that you have several missed calls. You don’t recognise the number, but they have sent several texts with your name. You click on the number and try to hide the panic in your voice with they pick up.  
“H- hello?” you say nervously.  
“Y/N, are you okay?” you recognise the voice instantly, it’s your best friend.  
“Um, sure. What’s with the new number?”  
“I’m borrowing my mum’s phone, I realise what today is and I just want to make sure you’re okay. If you need to talk about it, I’m here.”  
“Thanks, it’s okay, I’m keeping busy. Can I talk to you later?”  
You said goodbye to them and ran to lunch. You stare at the food, but you can’t eat. You had completely forgotten that it was today. Two years ago, on this day, you hit her car. She was 17, and she was dead because of you. You become overwhelmed with the same guilt you felt last year. You stand from the table and make your way back to the trailer. You can hear Misha calling your name, but you don’t stop. He follows you back to your trailer and you lock yourself in. He knocks on the door of the trailer and your head sinks into the pillow. You can hear Misha calling someone on the phone, you get closer to the door so that you can hear.  
“Richard, are you shooting today? - I’m at Y/N’s trailer, could you please join me? - Thank you.”  
He hangs up the phone and knocks on your door again. Your face is a mess of sweat and tears, you don’t want Misha to see you like this. He called Richard. He actually called Richard. You know that he will probably get Misha in anyway, so you wipe your face and reluctantly open the door. He steps inside and sits next to you on your bed.  
“Why did you call Richard?” you ask him.  
“Honestly? I worried that you wouldn’t want to talk to me. But you need to talk to someone.”  
“I’m fi-”  
“Y/N, I’ve never seen you look at lasagne like that before. What’s on your mind?”  
You don’t know whether to tell him what happened, admittedly, you think he’ll resent you for it. You take a deep breath and tell him anyway, just the brief version. You don’t tell him that you’re beginning to consider relapsing because that would mean admitting to being an alcoholic in the first place.  
“Y/N, whether or not it was your fault, it’s been two years. You need to find a way to forgive yourself.”  
Just then, Richard Speight Jr. walks through your still open door. He notices Misha has a hand on your shoulder and there are tears falling from your face.  
“Do you need a Richard hug?” Misha says to you, turning to him. You nod and smile weakly, Richard gives good hugs. He enters your trailer and wraps his arms around you. You sink into his chest and continue to cry. You can see Misha in front of you when you open your eyes. He looks worried and suddenly you feel guilty for saying anything at all. Richard stands in front of you and wipes a tear from your face. He suggests that you sit outside with him and Misha for a bit, to help you relax. You walk outside behind them and lay on the grass, as though all of the energy is gone from your body in a moment.


	2. Chapter 2

Richard and Misha have kept you company for most of the day, but you need some time alone. You walk two minutes down to the nearest shopping centre. Convenient, right? Well, that’s probably not ideal when it’s a traumatic anniversary, but you don’t have enough energy left to consider that. Richard and Misha insist on coming with you, but you assure them that you’ll be back soon. You keep your phone on in case they call, you’re not needed back for half an hour. When you walk in, the first thing you see is First Choice Liquor. Awesome. As if it wasn’t already a thought in your mind. You walk past it to Woolworths, chocolate is what you need. You see milk chocolate blocks on special and buy two. You take deep breaths and brace yourself to walk past the liquor store. You nearly get to the exit and pause, all of the reasons you got sober start to slip from your mind. Your family? Please, they’ve barely seen you since you moved out. Your best friend? She messages you a lot, but because of your work schedule, she barely calls or sees you anymore. Your mind is set on one thought now, just one. The sound of the 17-year-old girl slamming the breaks when you entered the intersection. There was no turning light, you just had to pay attention. That was all you had to do. Every detail plays out in your head again and you find yourself walking up to the vodka section. You purchase three bottles of Smirnoff, which you know you’ll regret later. For now, all you know is that you don’t want to see the details anymore. 

You sit just outside of the shopping centre and open one of the blocks of chocolate. You could easily break off individual pieces, but what the hell? You want to eat the whole row. You try to keep your eyes open for as long as you can, if you blink for two long, you can see it replaying in your mind. You hadn’t had flashbacks in a while and you don’t sleep well enough to get nightmares anymore. You feel scared, last year when you started having flashbacks again, they didn’t leave for months. Despite this, you managed to stay sober, although last time you were living with your best friend. You look to the bottles of vodka in your bag, this was a mistake. You had worked so hard to make it this far, you didn’t want to mess that up now. You feel your phone buzzing in your pocket and manage to put everything in your bag. You pick up your phone, it’s Richard. Brilliant. 

“Misha is back on set, he couldn’t find you. Where are you?” he sounds slightly out of breath. 

“I’m a minute away,” you tell him, hoping that he isn’t near your trailer when you get back. He tells you to stay safe and that he will see you soon. You hang up and run back to the trailer. You unlock your door and hide the bottles of vodka underneath your bed, putting the blocks of chocolate next to your lamp. Better for people to think you’re coping with chocolate. You hear a voice ringing in your ears, the voice of the girl’s father. You never spoke to him, but one day when you visited her grave, he was there. He was speaking to his daughter, telling her that he wished he could go back and kill the bitch that did this. How he would do anything to see his little girl again. You snap back to the present, you need to get back to the set. You pull out one of the bottles and take two shots using the lid. Now you’re ready. 

“Ruth, where’s Mark?” you ask when you get back to the set. You’re meant to be shooting with him again now. 

“He went looking for you. What happened?” Ruth asked. 

“I uh-” 

“Y/N!” Robert interrupted, “Just in time, Mark just did a lap around to find you.” 

“I’m sorry,” you quickly say, mostly to Mark. He just nods at you with understanding and a note of concern. You can tell that he’s going to ask you about it later, but for now you just need to get this final scene done.


	3. Chapter 3

After dinner with the crew, you go out with everyone. Robert gets chips for us all to share, all of the scenes for the first episode have been filmed. Two exhausting days, but it is done. Mark sits next to you and you know the conversation you’re about to have. The “everyone is worried about you” chat. 

“Hey Mark,” you say, not looking up from the whiskey in your hand. You could see Ruth sitting on the other side of you in your peripheral vision. 

“Y/N, do you want to talk about what happened today?” he asks you, trying his best not to force you to share anything you don’t want to. He knows he can’t make you talk, but he’s worried. So is Ruth. 

“I’m just having a bad mental health day,” you tell them, not wanting to be more specific than that. 

“There’s no shame in that, but your solution should be more talking, less of that,” he points to the empty glass of whisky in your hand. 

You manage to convince Mark that the whiskey is all you’ve had tonight, but you can just tell he will be keeping an eye on you. He hasn’t figured out that you have a problem with drinking, only that you have a problem right now. You watch him drink diet cola, which you love, but caffeine doesn’t numb you the way alcohol does. You decide to get a tub of gravy and some more chips. You sit back down with Mark and Ruth, it goes silent when you get back, they were clearly talking about you. You ignore it and put some chips on your plate so you can drown them in gravy. You consider getting another drink, but then you remember, Mark is here. Besides, you can drink as much vodka as you would like once you’re alone. Mark and Ruth both offer to keep you company overnight, but you insist that you’ll be fine on your own. Lies. 

Everyone knows that when people sing karaoke at a bar, even if they really can sing, they sing like crap. So after an hour of Jared hogging the microphone, getting crashed by Jensen and Misha several times, Ruth turns to you. You’re the only one who hasn’t done a song yet. You shake your head at her, there is no way you’re doing this. She grabs your hand and pulls you up with her. Damn it, you’re definitely doing a song now. You figure if you’re gonna do it, it has to be all out. You look through the songs and find Maneater by Hall & Oates. Now that you’re there, you’re so glad that Ruth forced you into this, it’s a lot of fun. After a couple more songs, you decide to head back to your trailer, Mark comes with you. Even if you insist that you’ll be fine overnight, he wants to be sure that you get back okay. You can’t shake the image spinning around your mind, that 17-year-old girl. You tell Mark to have a good night and he reminds you that no matter how late it is, you can always call him or knock on his door. You smile convincingly at him before getting into your pyjamas. You lay down on your bed and look at the time, it isn’t midnight yet. It’s still the day it happened. You pull a bottle of vodka out from under your bed and drink straight from the bottle. You get out your laptop and sit in on your pillow, if you aren’t watching something, then you’re just a sad person drinking from a vodka bottle instead of sleeping. This way, at least you’re watching something. You get Supernatural up on your laptop and decide to re-watch Yellow Fever. You don’t even notice the bottle rapidly becoming empty in your hand. As your thoughts begin to blur, you remember why you drank in the first place. It was an escape, a way to break free from what happened, what you did. The issue with this is that your logic goes with it. You get your phone out and put Mark’s number into your phone. 

“Y/N? It’s 1am, what are you doing awake?” when he says the time, you freeze a little. You didn’t even notice how late it got. 

“I uh, I wanted to get some lines down,” you lie. 

“Are you at your trailer?” 

“Yeah, how come?” you think he wants to check up on you, so you start to hide any evidence that you’ve been drinking. He says that he doesn’t want you to be alone and you can hear him leaving his trailer. You panic when you realise that everything smells like vodka, so you pick up a strong deodorant spray from your bedside table and spray it everywhere. The final touch, gum. You know that your breath smells like vodka too, and you figure that deodorant probably doesn’t taste great. You hear a knock at the door and slowly approach it. You open the door slightly and sit back down on the bed, allowing him to let himself in rather than welcoming him. He pulls a chair up opposite to you and sits down. 

“Y/N, I don’t know what happened but I’ve never seen you like this. Whatever it is, it won’t get better if you don’t talk about it.” 

“It won’t get better if I do talk about it,” you try to stop yourself from opening up, but you aren’t sober enough. 

“Two years ago, I killed someone in a crash. A teenage girl. I’ve made my peace with it, I have. Today just brought it back up.” 

“Okay,” he says while standing up. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Getting my mattress, you can’t be alone tonight. I’d feel better if you came with me.” 

You nod and stand up slightly, you don’t want Mark to have any reason to think you’ve been drinking. You thank him as you leave the trailer, he just smiles back at you. You’re glad that he isn’t pushing the topic, he seems to understand that talking won’t do anything, you just need someone to be there. When you return to your trailer, Mark sets his mattress down on the floor. He turns to the sink and puts the kettle on, getting out a couple of tea bags. 

“Do you take milk or sugar?” he asks, putting one sugar in his own while he waits for the kettle to boil. 

“Neither, thanks,” you say, sitting back down on your bed. 

“I notice your laptop is on, what were you doing?” 

“Um-” your face turns red, “Just watching a show.” 

“It’s not porn, is it?” 

“Not tonight,” you manage a genuine smile. Mark sits down across from you and passes you a cup of tea. You thank him and he can tell from the exhaustion in your face that you don’t want to talk about the girl. You sit quietly drinking tea for a while and turn your laptop back on. You realise it won’t be awkward if you continue Yellow Fever because Mark wasn’t in it either. It’s no secret that you were a diehard fan before you were on the show. You sit the chair between your bed and Mark’s mattress to put your laptop on. You play the episode and sink into your upright pillow. You silently prey that the bottles of vodka under your bed are completely covered, you don’t want him to worry about you.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Misha are keeping an eye on you. Yikes.

You wake up earlier than Mark, he’s snoring and has pretty much kicked the blanket off of himself. You find your empty water bottle and bring the open bottle of vodka to the bathroom. You empty the rest of the vodka into the water bottle and screw the lid tightly. You hide the empty bottle of vodka under the sink and stand in front of the mirror. You stare at the shaky reflection and realise that in a single night, you undid years of work. As you look at the water bottle in your hand, you just know that today is going to turn out the same. You take a few gulps from the bottle and put it in a small backpack. After taking a shower, you hear Mark stir as you put on your clothes for today. 

“What time is it?” Mark groans, stretching his arms out as he yawns. 

“Breakfast time,” you say with fake enthusiasm. He gets up to have a shower and you forget about the empty bottle of vodka under the sink. You make yourself a cup of tea and sit next to your laptop. You don’t open anything; you just look at the screen which blurs in front of you. Your eyes lose focus completely and all you can feel is the hot tea against your lips. You lose sense of time and in what feels like seconds, Mark is out of the bathroom. He is dressed and holding- oh no. 

“What happened to more talk, less of this?” 

“That’s from ages ago,” you lie. 

“So why hide it?” 

“I- I’m fine,” you tell him, leaving the rest of your tea on the table. You put the backpack on your shoulders and make a move for the door. Mark grabs your arm before you can leave and he gives you a worried look. You jerk your arm free from his grip and run out of the trailer for breakfast. You hear Mark let out a deep sigh before the door slams shut behind you. You sit down next to Jared, panting heavily. 

“Someone fart in your trailer or something?” he jokes. 

“Basically,” you decide to go along with Jared’s version. 

“No wonder you were running so fast,” Jensen adds. You take a plate with an omelette and sit back down with Jared. Everyone is exchanging phone videos of people doing karaoke from last night. When Mark joins the table, he glances at you slightly before smiling at the others. You know that he is going to bring it up later, but for now he is keeping his mouth shut. 

“I’ve checked all the lore, if there is a way to kill it, we don’t know what it is,” Jared says on set. 

“Great, so we have no plan and we haven’t seen Cas since we skipped out on Lucifer,” you say. 

“Yeah, pretty much. I hate to say this but should we be considering Rowena?” 

“No way, after the last time we met? She messed up my hair or some shit,” you glance at Jensen who is off camera. 

“It shows,” Jensen mocks. Some of the cast and crew laugh at you for messing up your lines but Mark has the same worried expression from this morning. He can see how spaced out you are and you worry that he may piece together your illness. He goes back to his trailer to get you a copy of the script. As soon as he turns his back, you take the bottle from your bag and gulp some more down. You put a mint in your mouth with the hope that no one will smell the alcohol on your breath. He passes you the script and he can smell the strong mint. He doesn’t think much of it because there were onions with lunch, but he is keeping a close eye on you. You see him whispering to Misha and know he’s asking him to watch out for you. Mark returns to his trailer, he’s done his scenes for the day so he wants to take a nap before dinner. You finish filming your scenes fairly quickly and you’re stunned by how focused you are. You’ve been sipping vodka from your water bottle all day but no one has picked up on anything. When you finish your last scene, you sit down on a bench away from the others. Misha sits next to you and you look up slightly from the ground. 

“How are you feeling, Y/N?” 

You look at Misha and feel your stomach twist. Oh no. You feel your lunch climbing up your throat and onto Misha’s lap. Shit. 

“Misha, I’m so sorry,” you say, wiping your face with your sleeve. 

“Don’t worry, Y/N, what’s going on?” 

“Uh, probably just a stomach bug.” 

“If you’re sure... come on, let’s get you some water.” 

You hesitate but you know that Misha is close enough to smell that your water bottle is filled with vodka, so you agree. He helps you to your feet and keeps an arm around you as you walk to the water. You keep your sight fixed on the ground just in case people are staring, you can almost feel people’s concern for you growing. You get to the water and Misha insists that you sit down. You thank him and notice he is blurring in front of you. He sits next to you silently, sensing that you aren’t ready to talk. He does worry that you will always neglect talking about it, but for now he just wants to give you space. You slouch back against the table and sigh. 

“I-” you prepare yourself to say something to Misha, “I’ve accepted what happened with the girl in the crash. That day messed me up though. I’ve screwed up something because of that day that I can’t take back now.” 

“Do you think it’s something any of us could help you with?” 

“Probably, but I’d need to come clean first and I don’t know if I can do that.” 

“You don’t have to be ready now, but when you are, we’ll listen.” 

He puts his hand on your shoulder and you smile at him. You apologise for throwing up on him earlier and he just laughs. You can tell he’s just glad you’re okay now, but you wonder how long you can lie about this. You opened up to Misha a bit because it made you sick to think that you’d undone so much work because of one day. Just one day. You aren’t sure if you’ll drink again tonight but right now with Misha, you feel safe.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader decides they may need help.

You get home and lie down on your bed, staring at the ceiling for a while. Your thoughts quickly turn from your friends to alcohol. As you look above you, you become gradually more aware of the bottles of vodka under your bed. You know you promised sobriety but feel guilty enough about relapsing to keep drinking. Ironic? Sure, but it will get you through, right? You call Misha in one last effort to stop yourself. 

“Hey, can I come to your trailer?” 

“Sure Y/N, is everything okay?” 

“I think I just need some company,” when you say that, your mind goes back to Jensen talking about Jared’s depression. I need a friend. This was you reaching out. When you get to Misha’s trailer, his door is slightly open and you can hear some drama show on the TV. You knock gently on the door and he invites you in. 

“Hi Y/N, do you need to talk about it?” 

“At some point, yeah. For now, I just want to watch shitty TV.” 

Misha nods and you both sit down to watch some celebrity drama show. They chuck a bunch of celebrities in a jungle, it’s super pointless and dumb. You couldn’t ask for anything else to be watching. You sit with your back against Misha’s bed so you can collapse into it if you need. You start to feel the haze clearing and feel compelled to drink, but you’re with Misha now. You could always just ask for a drink, after all, he doesn’t know that you’re a crippling alcoholic. You know that if you have one drink now, you’ll keep drinking when you get back to your trailer. 

“Do you have any soft drinks?” you ask Misha, hoping it will distract you. 

“Is Fanta Grape okay?” 

“Perfect, thank you.” 

You still crave a Smirnoff but at least right now you’re drinking something else. Misha decides to channel flip, eventually landing on Seinfeld. They’re playing an episode of Seinfeld then two episodes of Friends. Friends has just restarted, so it’s only on season one. You put all of your attention into Jerry Seinfeld because it’s something else that you can do. It works and that’s all that matters. You don’t mean to, especially not on Misha’s floor, but you slowly drift to sleep. 

Your eyes adjust to the trailer around you and try to get up. Misha quickly notices and helps you stand up. The television is off but you can see that it’s been an hour from the clock on the microwave. Damn, you missed Friends. Misha sits cross-legged in front of you with a worried look on his face. 

“Y/N, did you know that you talk in your sleep?” 

“Not anything embarrassing, I hope.” 

“Nothing like that, but you did list a lot of drinks.” 

“Okay, so I was having a party dream.” 

“No Y/N, you seemed panicked by the idea of them. What’s going on?” 

Great, you fell asleep and blew your own cover. You just know that Misha knows enough to not let it go now. Truth time. You tuck your knees under your chin and rest your hands on your feet. You don’t know where to begin so you gesture to your bag. Misha passes the bag to you and you take out the nearly empty water bottle. You open the lid and hold it towards him. He doesn’t need to be close to the bottle to smell the vodka now. 

“How bad is it?” 

“Misha, I didn’t- I haven’t been like this for months. I can stop it from getting out of hand again though.” 

“Not on your own, you need people by your side through this. Mark is already there with you, I refused to believe him when he told me about your issue.” 

“But I never-” you start to say. 

“Mark had the same issue, I should’ve known he could tell.” 

You look up at Misha and realise, oh crap, the waterworks are coming. You start sobbing uncontrollably. Shit, this is embarrassing. He sits next to you and puts an arm around you. He rubs your shoulder and just supports you. He takes out his phone and gives it to you, with Mark’s number open. You look at him, then the phone, and nod. He dials the number and sits next to you as he asks what Mark is up to. You sit silently, your vision phasing out and focusing on nothing. You feel ashamed. 

“Okay, I’ll see you soon. Thanks Mark.” 

Misha puts his phone on the ground and rubs your shoulder softly. Tears continue to roll down your cheeks as you wait for Mark to join you. He opens the door holding some Smiths original chips in his hand. He offers you a chip and you thank him, taking precisely one chip. He sits down across from you and Misha on the floor. 

“Don’t say I told you so,” you say to Mark. 

“Y/N, the advice I gave was assuming that this wasn’t a previous issue for you. It’s become clear to me that this is a relapse, not an issue surfacing.” 

“What’s the difference?” 

“The support you need is getting better, not preventing it.” 

“But I did prevent it, I stopped drinking months ago. I got better.” 

“Recovery isn’t linear Y/N,” Misha adds. 

“And maybe this time, it’ll take different steps to stop. That’s okay too,” Mark continues, “However you need to do this, we’ll be here.” 

“I- I don’t think I can stop.” 

“You did it last time, didn’t you?” 

“Mark, you’ve been sober for 30 years. I barely scraped through 10 months.” 

“30 years ago, do you think I thought I could stop?” 

“I- I don’t know, maybe?” 

“Of course I didn’t. Look, how about we move the mattresses in here and have ourselves a movie marathon?” 

“I appreciate it but I kind of want the night to myself.” 

“I mean, if that’s what you-” Misha starts to say. 

“Not going to happen,” Mark interrupts. He can see the desperation in your eyes and knows that you can’t be trusted alone tonight. Part of you is glad that he understands but another part just wants to take a nice long bath in vodka. You sink back into the bed with defeat, already mentally mapping out the next time you can drink. You re-focus on your surroundings and notice that Mark is watching you spiral. He’s worried, damn it. You don’t want him to worry about you. You decide to try and think of something better, so you watch sit-coms with Mark and Misha until you fall asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter... y'all ready?

“Y/N,” you hear Misha calling out, “Y/N! You need to wake up.” 

“Wh- what happened?” your sight is still unfocused. 

“I woke up an hour ago and you were sleepwalking.” 

“Why- what was I doing?” 

“Well, you brought this back with you...” 

Misha pulls one of the unopened bottles of vodka from out of your hand, you didn’t notice you were holding anything. Misha feels a mixture of things, relieved that it hasn’t been opened, amazed that you managed to find your way around your trailer while asleep, and concerned that your unconscious instincts lead you there. Mark is still asleep, so Misha pulls you outside in case he wakes Mark up. He knows from Mark that you would’ve continued drinking last night given the chance. He worries that you won’t let him help you. 

“Y/N, I think you should stay with Mark and I for a while.” 

“What are you gonna do, sober me up?” 

“That’s the goal. But you need to want to, or you’ll just start again when you’re on your own.” 

“I-” you think about the girl who died because of you, you can’t risk getting that bad again. 

“I’m in.” 

Misha smiles at you proudly as Mark opens the door behind him. He squints at you, holding his arm between the face and the sun. He looks at the bottle of vodka in Misha’s hand. 

“Y/N, did you-” Mark trails off. 

“I didn’t, I just thought about it. I- I want to stop.” 

To your amazement, you mean it. You want to get better and soon. No concern washes from Mark’s face but Misha looks slightly calmer. You all head back to your own trailers to get ready for the day. You only have a couple of scenes to film today, but one of them involves a stunt, so it’s very possible you’ll mess it up a lot. You look at the vodka-filled water bottle and take it out of your bag, you don’t want to drink today. You can’t bring yourself to empty the bottle or get rid of the other vodka bottle under your bed, but you’re not taking it with you, which is a start. You feel hopeful. You put your bag on your shoulders and head to breakfast, sitting next to Misha at the table. When you put your bag down, Misha picks it up and you nod anxiously. This is going to become a regular thing. He checks your bag to make sure you don’t have any alcohol on you. If you want to relapse at some point, you’ll need to get creative. You think that’s a good thing but you also know what tricks you’ve pulled in the past. You get some toast, there are fried foods. Eggs, bacon, beans, mushrooms, the whole lot. Jared puts some food on his plate beside you and sits down next to you. Misha isn’t at the table, he’s getting his breakfast now. 

“Y/N, how’re you doing?” Jared asks. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Hey, easy, I’m just starting conversation,” he looks at the dread in your eyes, “are you okay, Y/N?” 

“Just tired, late night last night,” you try to laugh but can’t find the energy. 

“Have you got people supporting you through it?” 

“You- you aren’t pushing it?” 

“Of course not, you don’t have to tell me anything as long as you’re talking about it with someone. I just want you to be okay, Y/N.” 

“Thanks Jared,” you nod, letting him know that you have support. He smiles at you and starts eating his breakfast. You sit quietly until Misha arrives, who naturally wants to conversate with you just as you’re having a mouthful of food. You awkwardly cover your mouth and chew faster. You default to nodding or shaking your head and for the first morning since you relapsed, you’re glad to just have juice. You finish your breakfast pretty quickly, you’re eager to get seconds. You'll need the extra energy for that stunt today. It’s not really a stunt so much as an epic battle which you happen to be the secret weapon in. Cool for the underdog in the show, not so cool for you. To be able to film the scene properly, you need to have energy and sleep. Both things which you can never find. 

By the evening, you’re exhausted. You put all of your energy into the day and although you’re very tired, it felt good. You go back to Misha’s trailer with him and Mark. You lie down on your mattress and think about the bottles of vodka in your trailer. Part of you wants to make some excuse to go back to your trailer but then you see Mark and Misha sitting in the trailer with you. They are here for you; they want you to be okay. 

“Busy day today, how are you feeling, Y/N?” Mark asks. 

“Tired and...” you trail off. 

“And?” 

“It’s nothing,” but looking at their faces, you can see that they won’t drop it. You decide to be honest, “I’m scared.” 

“Y/N, are you scared about getting sober?” Misha tries to hide the slight panic in his voice, he’s not sure if he should’ve mentioned it. 

“Not exactly, I got sober before, I know I can do that. What if something happens and I relapse?” 

“It’s entirely possible but who says you need to look at this long term? Just get through today and when you wake up tomorrow, do the same.” 

“One day at a time,” Mark says. You smile and fall back into your pillow. One day at a time, that sounds less scary. Tomorrow has no guarantees but you made it through today. And you can be proud of that.


End file.
